Lost and Shattered

My mind is just racing around like mad. I can’t get it to stop for a second. All the mistakes, all the regrets. Every decision I have ever made, just scattered around me in broken pieces.

This is not at all what I had envisioned for myself at the age of 25.

I had seen so clearly when I was younger what I was going to be, what I was supposed to be at 25. Not a 6 digit dream job, but at least a starting-out one. I would start slowly carving out a little place for myself in this world. Maybe have a small group of friends to hang out with, have fun. I would start saving for my future retirement, my children and start making plans to travel somewhere.

Instead I got married before getting that job. Four years ago. We were young and impulsive. No one was really thrilled about it except us. We were going to conquer the world, right!!? Neither of us were working at the time, I was still studying. But it was a happy time none the less. There was no money but a lot of love. And it was more than enough.

Then, obviously it started going downhill. First there was the occasional drinking which then escalated and that fueled a lot of fighting. Also living in joined family started to take its toll. I just assumed everyone meant what they said but boy, was I wrong. I learnt that silence is the best and only option through many hard situations ( but I am yet to fully implement it, I’m still gullible in many ways). Then the money problems just started and never stopped.

At first, I was anxious as hell about all the debts. I would nag on him all the time and cry my eyes out. Then I realized that what little income we had was because he worked his ass of in a dead-end job. Also that it was my choice to get into this marriage so I should also shoulder some weight, so I learnt to let it go little by little. And anyway, as soon as I got a job too, it would be easy to pay them off.

Fast-forward to now. He had been excessively drinking for three months and then abruptly stopped now. Jobless for nearly the same amount of time. Reached the limit of our loans. Always fighting, nearly everyday. I am nearly done with my studies but can’t land a job. And all that every fucking person surrounding us wants to know is why we don’t have kids yet. Like these people will contribute in any damn way to the financial well-being of our children.

All that fills my mind now is anger. Anger at myself. I was lonely as hell when I met my husband. I was 16 years old and all I could think about then was dying. My dad had passed away, we had moved to another country. I had no one to talk to. My classmates made fun of the way I talked. But I was way too much of a coward to do it myself (still am now unfortunately). I would dream about magically dying in my sleep or having an accident or something like that. Something quick, that wasn’t left up to me.

When I met him, it was just blissful. My heart felt happy. I wanted to wake up in the morning. I wanted to tell him about my day. It was the happiest I had felt in ages. I felt complete. My lack of close friends evaporated. I had him for all intents and purposes-my friend, my boyfriend, my confidant, my shoulder to cry on, my everything. Those were really happy times and I don’t think I could have coped otherwise.

But now, here I am lonely again. Every night I cry myself to sleep, listening to Linkin Park songs, equating all their lyrics to my life, to all the decisions I made, the way I hurt my mom and defied her to get married just to have it thrown in my face. I turn 25 in 2 months and my life is a shambles. I have no whereto turn to, no one to tell. What would I say anyway-that I made a bunch of headstrong decisions, in spite of everyone that advised me otherwise, that I thought would work out to my favor but actually I was just screwing myself over?

My head and chest feel so heavy. I feel like I’m about to fall. Is there no light anywhere? Can no one hear my cries for help, just anything to keep going. Because I feel like I’m just spiraling back down deeper and harder into that crack that my 16 year old self was lost in and I can’t stop myself.

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My First Blog

This is my first publicly written anything. I am not the greatest writer nor someone who has extraordinary skills with words but life has reached a really hard place. It has been pretty stagnant for a while now. I feel as if there is no one that I can completely open up to and it is making me go crazy. I am totally sure that no one will ever read this but there is some satisfaction in knowing that I can completely open up with no inhibitions to the infinite open space that is the whole interconnected world wide web. Kind of like taking a deep breath and exhaling all that stuffy air. I hope that I will be able to find some solace in this form of expression and be able to maintain a certain level of sanity. Right now, I just want to put this out there. I hope that slowly I will be able to process so many things that lie heavily on my mind and even more so on my heart.